Quirkbag Collection #31 – 13.02.26
We’re too afraid to admit that we are lost in life sometimes. That’s understandable. I know I am. But I’ll say it first: I feel lost in my 20s, and increasingly so. And I am not alone.
We’re so used to being on ‘the right path’, or any path for that matter, that when we see no clear path ahead, we instantly feel lost. School does not prepare you for this sense of uncertainty about who you are, neither does the military. That leaves me at life’s crossroads, stuck and lost.
Recently I have begun trying to embrace this sense of ‘lostness’, to be momentarily present and intentional about what to do next. To navigate the unknown and uncharted phase of life.
I question what if it is not so bad to feel this ‘lostness’? Maybe it gives you the chance to find yourself again, in this phase of life. But more about this later.
What Do You Do?
The most common question I get these days from peers and relatives or family is ‘So what do you do now?’ My response, well…boring.
‘I work part-time.’
That means ‘I don’t really know’ in my mind.
But it’s true. Most of us out there (you who might be reading this) don’t always really know exactly what to do. We just…do.
So what do you do?
Something I have intentionally tried to prioritise is to find out who I am again, without school, without the military, without the external formal influences. And it’s both scary and exciting to explore and risk getting lost in this period to find out who I really am.
Then, how do we really know who we are? How can you describe your entire identity?
Deliberately exploring life is not that easy to do, or explain.
I am lost in life mostly because I don’t really know who I am nor what to pursue. Yet, it is this lack of direction that brings the best opportunity for self-discovery. There is nothing holding you back from doing random things just for experiences.
A certain anxiety also comes with the lack of confidence in your own identity, in not fully being able to “be you” because you don’t really know who you are. But that’s to be expected.
That said, we don’t always like the idea of our free time being spent roaming and wandering instead of ‘productively’ (busily) doing things. Intentionally exploring beyond the traditional perimeters and comfort zones can feel tedious, nerve-wrecking and almost futile because not everything or every experience feels beneficial.
I feel that urge to stop pursuing the unknown and revert to the comfort zone. Despite having free time, we revert to the default. We revert to the most familiar, most socially conventional thing.
Our Default Response
Work.
We seem to have become hardwired to work and default to work whenever we have time. It’s unhealthy for me because I realised that even as I try to spend time doing new things, atelic things, to re-discover myself, the productivity switch in my brain never turns off.
That acts like a subconscious magnet that pulls me towards work. Towards the socially accepted answer – work – because it’s seemingly productive.
We too often lump the things we do with the person we are. It’s easily observable in school where students (myself included) find the lines between self-worth, identity and academic work to be blurred. It takes effort to remind myself now that who I am is not directly or even indirectly tied to the things I do or the outcomes.
Working draws you away from the fear or disappointment you may feel if you really went on a quest to explore yourself and your life.
But a human being is not a human doing.
So perhaps, we should judge others by their being; the intrinsic qualities, and understand their flaws. Seneca writes, ‘we must agree to go easy on one another’. There is kindness and clarity in seeing and valuing others independent of their work.
I hope to still be of worth even when I fail at something many times over.
The default to work should be re-examined, at least individually. I find work, no matter how compelling as an activity, to still be a means of distraction from the real daunting task you might have – looking deeply at yourself and finding out who you actually are now. It is merely a distraction from that greater, scary quest.
Work, as the default response, is the easier alternative to being lost.
Finding Nemo Yourself
Yet, it is only in being lost that you can find yourself again.
(I promise it’s not random clothes I have)
The book ‘Tiny Experiments’ taught me that it’s not inherently bad to be between formal phases or caught in limbo. It’s a space that allows you to try plenty of different changes and tasks with little consequence.
The opportunity to discover or reinvent yourself comes as soon as you embrace this sense of ‘lostness’, as I am trying to in this phase of life.
Being lost is conventionally frowned upon, and it’s hard dealing with that supposed societal pressure to find a path or DO something. But (and this is perhaps a reminder to myself) it is your life and yours to shape and discover. It’s daunting to imagine having or living in a way beyond that which we are used to in our lives.
Yet it is precisely this fear, alongside ‘lostness’, that tells you (and me) that you are starting to live for yourself. And that change can happen for you rather than to you.
Finding yourself and shaping a newer identity comes eventually, when you move on from the limbo phase and take with you a newfound piece of life – whether a hobby, a friend, an attitude, a skill etc.
But I feel the takeaway adds to your identity; embracing it solidifies your new self. But until then, I (and you) have to embrace the bumpy thrill in between chapters where life is unplanned, serendipitous and combat the urge to “work”.
Indeed, my path is unclear. I am lost and certainly wandering (wondering too) in curiosity. I try to remember this line I came across: “Everything is a win when your goal is to experience.”
To better places, more adventurous stories and finding yourself.
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