Quirkbag Collection #62 – 04.10.26
One of the best opening lines I heard in an Orientation Camp welcome speech was that “one of the challenges people don’t tell you about is navigating opportunities.” That line was stuck in my mind, mostly because I was skeptical back then and wanted to prove it wrong.
I did not believe that there are so many opportunities that choosing become challenges.
As it turns out, he was right. I quickly saw how very wrong I was as the school term began.
While this struggle to select may start taking its toll from university, I feel that it continues for the span of our lives. Choosing the opportunities to pursue not only eliminates every other opportunity, but it also sets you on a path of no return. Quite literally.
We don’t get to undo the choices we make, only the consequences (if we are lucky) and the time we spent is gone. Forever.
But perhaps there is more than meets the eye when we make our decisions, and by extension, our fate.
Like It Or Not, We Are All On The Bus
Recently, I have felt very lost about the direction in which I am heading towards. Well, “recently” might be putting it lightly.
Before starting school, I thought university would be the answer to my “lack of direction” – that somehow the environment would inspire me to work towards some grand magnificence at the end of the brick road in 4 years. Imaginations run wild and never disappoint. But romanticising university life is sunshine and rainbows until your head hits the pillow at night.
On some level, we all know that university is a stepping stone to get us to another place – a stable job, higher income, better internships and more. Sure, we have some fun along the way, but everyone would agree that university is hardly meant as an amusement park. Sometimes it just disguises as one.
Being in university is like riding a bus. The terminal is graduation, towards which it drives endlessly. The interesting thing about this bus is that boarding it puts you in the driver seat, yet with very limited control. You only get to steer. No pedals or other controls. How you get to graduation is up to you; the routes, the scenery, the people, the bumps, slopes, bends all change based on your choices. Would you take this bus?
Taking the wheel is scarier than I thought. There is no one to fool anymore, except yourself. Everyone around you is on their own path, chasing an end goal after graduation. As much as we want to always walk the same path, it eventually diverges. We are left to our own devices and directions.
Finding Meaning Where There May Be None
I think meaning is a very arbitrary construct in life, but one we often emphasize because meaning (or the lack thereof) heavily influences our lives. People with sharp purposes in life optimise every decision around it. Oftentimes, I catch myself wondering why I even bother doing certain things. And surprise surprise, the easy answer is “just because”. Great.
But surely I am not alone.
More importantly, I think meaning is something we actively avoid as a question because it is too scary. Yes, with inflation and responsibility and the other nonsense that life throws at you, it seems almost luxurious to sit with a philosophical cap and ponder about whether what we do holds meaning. Fair enough.
But, life’s conveyer belt of nonsense never really ends…until it all ends. If we don’t know why we do what we do, and continue not to want to find out, then where are we headed? Could it be that one day we look up and fail to remember who we are?
There is something incredibly attractive (and intimidating) about an individual who has clear direction, clear motivation, and making their way there. Society is quick to slap them on inspirational posters. Afterall, they found their own sense of belonging. They found their “why”. What about us?
Having a purpose to optimise life around is something we can all aspire towards. I always imagine that when lifestyle and purpose align, there is this smooth catharsis where everything in the universe makes sense – a magical click. Perhaps that is a very naive expectation.
Nonetheless, attributing meaning into our lives is how we find our personal satisfaction and peace with ourselves. If we fail to recognise it, the feeling of emptiness lurks.
University Is Just The Start
University is both a theme park and an expressway – you can choose to explore, play, experience and have fun or purely focus on expediting your career, building a portfolio and trying to put a cat on the Moon (if that’s the next big thing). Neither are wrong. It only matters which you choose, and why.
For the average joe like me (and yes, probably you too), it is hard to fall into either camp all the time. We can’t always optimise fun, nor work, unless you truly find fun in doing the work (in which case, congratulations, you hit the jackpot).
At some point, we just wish to know if the work we are doing is sufficient to get us somewhere, preferably ahead of others (being competitive Asians and all) but still have some fun.
That’s where the left and right decision comes. If only we knew what we optimised our lives for. There is a silent assumption that university is where you should figure things out, and that if you are not figuring it out, or chasing some lofty ambition, you are not really “doing it right”.
Afterall, who in their right mind pays 10K in annual fees just for some fun?
But it is precisely in not knowing our direction that we try to explore, and in exploring that we inevitably feel like we are adrift and heading nowhere. That brings us to choosing our direction.
We find ourselves in this quicksand of paralysis, secretly hoping for some divine hint or enlightenment that will point us in the right direction.
It Feels So Complicated
Perhaps part of the struggle in making decisions comes from our fear that it would change our identity. We are afraid to make decisions because it feels like there is so much at stake. Our choices might not be aligned to the person we are, or worst still, the person we wish to become.
The problem of making decisions is possibly further complicated if we don’t even know who we want to become. We are randomly trying and exploring. Eventually, there is an emptiness to it because we fail to get somewhere. Taking random “rides” in university seem fun, but to what end?
Even theme parks close and we find ourselves stranded. (That line from the song “Closing Time” popped into my mind.)
What then?
It’s easy to think we can just follow others, or at least I did. Unfortunately, hearing their motivations and goals hardly inspires your own. You do not actually want the same thing as they do. Pretending you do is the start of an empty lie. Worse still, chasing the same thing as they do for the sake of it is a sure way to live a lie.
Seeing others find their direction in university and life even intensifies your confusion, because you want to want something. You just don’t know what.
In consolation, I think the inner struggle to reconcile who you were, who you are and who you want to be is a positive sign of growth. Instead of mindlessly living a routine, there is a small ripple in the sea now. That ripple is the start of discomfort.
I think the struggle will persist, until we find a direction that makes us feel alive, that gives us meaning, that we can confidently say is the direction we would choose given any other options.
A Perspective Shift
One of the best razors I heard for any struggle is that ultimately, none of it matters when our time is up. It is so easy to get bogged down by the minutiae of daily life – the next trivial thing, the next anxiety-inducing thing, the next small meaningless thing I have to do.
We could all benefit from remembering the big picture occasionally. No, I don’t mean the lofty ambitious 10 year-plan, but the decades we have to grow and become another version of ourselves.
We can take things seriously, but maybe not too seriously. We are probably used to imagining some employer passing judgement on us as though all our self-worth converges to our achievements and experiences. In the long-term, it matters less than we think.
I believed that a good life was a well-planned and well-executed one – with minimal “error”.
That phase is over. I’m not so sure anymore.
Are you?
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Hi! I’m Zac, the guy behind this serendipitous, quirky blog. I’m currently on a quest to find out more about myself – who I am and what life has to offer. This blog is my little space where I step out of my comfort zone to share my thoughts and life experiences. I hope you enjoy reading the weekly posts. Share them if you like, or not.
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