Quirkbag Collection #63 – 11.10.26
There’s this parody of a professor listing the things you need before entering university. Of the several things he said, only one stuck in my mind. He said to have a personal, non-academic benchmark for success by which you measure yourself.
Till today, I am still struggling to define what that means (I saw that video 2 years ago). Something feels amiss that all we are conventionally measured by performance, grades, resumes and eventually career and income. Supposedly, there is more to a person than those.
It can be tricky to navigate university with your secondary school or JC mindset – attention is not given to you anymore. Your tutor will probably not remember your name. Hell, they might just be your senior by 2 years.
It becomes increasingly difficult to receive the same personalised treatment and recognition that more caring teachers used to give.
That spells disaster for those living off old-fashioned external validation.
The Rat Race (Is Only Beginning)
There is a Mandarin proverb that goes “一山还有一山高”. It means there is always someone better than the previous and a higher level to attain. Simply, competition never ends.
Like many (unknowing) students, I chased the goal of academic excellence because I believed that was my sole purpose and identity – to score well. But this is just another version of a rat race, disguised as our opportunity to build a brighter future.
Make no mistake, the merits of academic excellence are undeniably real – awards, scholarships, letters of commendation. Sometimes you might win awards you did not know existed. But just as clearly, there is a line to be drawn between striving for excellence and striving for perfection. The former a conscious and healthy endeavour, the latter a surefire way to personal and emotional catastrophe.
Chasing grades can quickly be confused as chasing validation – after all, good grades are praised and poor ones are usually frowned upon. Somewhere along the way, we buy into the belief that getting good grades means being a good student, one that people will like and validate us accordingly.
Not all of us might be lucky enough to have someone explain the nuances (let alone in a way a 12-year-old might understand).
Worst still, we believe that seeking this external validation is all that we are, all that we should strive for. But what about all those who are not the top percentile? Are they getting validated?
The Curse of External Validation
Alright, calling it a curse might be too strong, but it sure as hell is not ideal. While we are comfortable with the idea of “people-pleasing”, there seems to be comparatively less understanding of the effects external validation has on us.
“People-pleasing” is casually used to describe our tendencies to go the extra mile while doing things we rather not do just out of our desire to satisfy someone else’s request. I would say that comes from refusing to say “no”. Perhaps it is easy to associate our behaviour with “people-pleasing” whenever we feel uncomfortable or reluctant doing something, but is it really because we want to please people?
Most Asian kids (yes, probably you and me both) are used to doing the bidding of our parents, teachers and other authority figures. We’re accustomed to act in a way that “pleases” them and eventually associate the “right” behaviour with those same “pleasing” ones.
We unconsciously grew used to external validation, and rarely ever thought about internal validation. Here’s where it gets trippy.
External validation has taken root in our lives so much that we fail to notice how we might act under its influence. It feels instinctive. But it comes from a place of seeking external validation – to continue feeling assured that we are accepted and have value. That we are worthy.
What might be truly insidious is how this “operating procedure” now exerts influence over the way we see ourselves – a result directly correlated to how we think others see us. If we receive external validation, it boosts our “internal validation”, and vice versa. What a torturous roller coaster.
How soon can we get off this roller coaster?
How Old Is Your Identity?
For many of us, we cling to the identity we had from several years ago. We feel most comfortable with this “outdated” version of ourselves. Rather than re-inventing who we are, adapting our old self to a new environment feels more achievable. Yet, it might not be as useful in the long run.
Growing up, I knew that eventually my identity had to change as I moved toward JC and eventually the army. But where and how are where things get hairy. Instead of changing my identity and self-perception, it felt comfortable being who I was.
But clinging to an old identity when your phase of life has changed usually fails. The environment eventually forces a change – new growth. Like it or not, we are forced to accept the new us – someone busier, with more responsibility, new lifestyle or someone with bigger problems.
We do not want to change. We like our old identity. Worse still, shaping a new one takes work and is scary. That’s why it might feel incredibly uncomfortable when change is forced rather than inspired.
Brad Stulberg talks about this in his book Master of Change, in which he demonstrates how we should hold a set of values and principles to guide the gradual shift in our identity even as the environment and life changes. Like a riverbank that restricts the flow of water, our values and principles retain the core of who we are, while letting everything else shift and grow to develop our new identity. This way, we get the best of both worlds unless we consciously choose to change the core values.
Of course, if it sounds hard, that’s because it kind of is.
Our Perceived Self-Worth
A branch of psychology derived that all individuals seek to be of value, to find their standing among people. Whether through contribution at work, class projects (yes, even answering a question), assignments or just helping someone, we all seek to exert influence to satisfy this human need for being “important”.
Ironically, stoicism contradicts this as one key pillar maintains that we are all mortal and our existence is infinitesimal in comparison to everything else. What influence we think we have is merely an inconsequential action on a cosmic scale. Nothing that we do will actually be “important”. Yet, in the very myopic lens through which we see our lives, some of our actions can be life-changing.
Struggling to reconcile the contrasting ways to think about life can create an inner tension that places our self-worth and value in the balance. Outside of academics, there exists a slew of intangible but nonetheless crucial signs of a “good life” or “good person”. Kindness, empathy, love, generosity, creativity. All the things we teach our young toddlers but eventually neglect when formal schooling begins.
Finding out who we believe we are and what defines our value as a person is more reflection than research. It is something we have to discover and decide, and not depend on external response.
Holding a place in any established university can quickly reveal how comparisons directly influence a student’s “worth”. Being constantly measured against others, there is little room for finding other intrinsic measures of worth.
The key question that gets buried? Is your self-worth truly defined by yourself?
Validation As A Human, And Student
University is a very different place of education. It’s eerily laissez-faire, so much that it leaves me wondering just how smart or obsessed some peers really are for NUS to hold its ranking.
As a student, the objective metrics of worth are academic grades and extra-curricular experience (I guess it always has been). But recently I wonder if there is any value in seeing a student for the person they are, rather than the results they produce. Instead of a resume, what about the story behind this student? Surely that is worth something.
How we choose to validate any student beyond the usual benchmarks might set a new generation in a different direction; one where self-worth is defined independently of external validation; where worth is more than just something we do, but who we are.
Seeking external validation is never wrong, but it should never be everything. At minimum, an equal amount of internal validation must be part of our self-worth.
Then, how do you define your internal benchmarks of success?
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Hi! I’m Zac, the guy behind this serendipitous, quirky blog. I’m currently on a quest to find out more about myself – who I am and what life has to offer. This blog is my little space where I step out of my comfort zone to share my thoughts and life experiences. I hope you enjoy reading the weekly posts. Share them if you like, or not.
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